|Lorraine with new specks, new view 2012|
Sitting in a doctor’s
office waiting room, my lap top out, I took the lowercase letter “i” and began
creating names of imaginary online businesses and services. Like products as
the ipod and ipad, I combined “i” with letters in the alphabet beginning with
“a” and going through to “z.” Very quickly I arrived at names as: iAm, iAlias,
iBet, iCare, and so on. I know, it’s kind of odd but I had time on my hands
and, as you know, I enjoy messing with words. So, I’ll share with you what
derived from this especially long doctor’s waiting room experience.
As I plowed through the
alphabet creating on-line business names, for example “iCare,” some of them made
me grin as they came forward. So, I went back and drafted two tag lines for
each of the more interesting ones. I was in a quirky mood, so the tongue and
cheek writing that was produced reflects this.
Tag lines augment the company/business name and are the marketing bait designed to entice
a potential client. You see them all the time on TV commercials. They’re very
short, must be easily understood phrases defining the company and/or product
service. Here’s an example of a business name and tag line I created and
combined: “iCare: Because others don’t.”
I enjoy the process of
describing complex things with very few words. It’s a challenge I can’t resist.
These business names and introductory tag lines came very quickly with a
secondary tag line also emerging. Here is how the business name, first and
second taglines work together:
iCare: Because others don’t.
Caring takes time. Time they don’t give, but we
This secondary tagline
alludes to the desired outcome and benefit a client could derive from using the
product or service. It’s the tag line a client sees or hears last then
hopefully acts quickly to contact the company.
This word game I created
was fun and a little addicting. Once the tag lines were laid out, I then went
back and drafted very short descriptions that further outlined the company’s “service.”
Clearly, the services I outlined were meant to be irreverent, poke fun, editorialize,
and inject social commentary via a combination of very colloquial and also business language. It’s a
fun vehicle to say what you normally wouldn’t about all the goofy stuff we each
might experience during our daily lives.
I got carried away. I
admit I did. So feel free to check some out now and then come back. Also, the
entries below aren’t necessarily in the order they were created. In short, this
is what derived from my recent, very long, doctor’s office wait.
iCare: Because others don’t.
Life is busy, very busy.
So, when family and friends don’t have the time for you iCare steps in. We can
help with big and small life matters including changing your will noting who’s
been there for you and those that think they deserve your assets, but at your
end, they’ll have to get a job. We care, 24/7.
Caring takes time. Time they don’t give, but we
Edit your life, edit your will.
Whether you own a lot or
your assets are modest, people will be sniffing around after you kick the
bucket. iWill provides disinterested professionals who will set things
straight. We’ll comb through your wishes, identify decisions you should make,
clarify who will benefit, and create a firewall between your assets and those
thieving-relatives/hangers-on who’ll try to run the table.
Nouns and verbs that work. Rest in peace now…and
I’m kidding, but I’m not.
there’s been a need for telling “truths” so that the pressure of oppression or
inequity can be tolerated. History has also shown that just blurting out
“truths” can get you, and those near you, ruined or deleted. Court jesters
walked that fine, but necessary line. Without court jesters, comedians, satire,
or “tongue and cheek” comment, we’d all have hives, pimples, or revolutions
would happen with greater frequency. iJest will outfit you with a bullet proof vest
and help you to be effectively sarcastic and witty. We’ll give you the tools to
hone your craft while also minimizing your overall risk liability.
Truth hurts, but it’s time they knew.
Because others can’t, won’t, or shouldn’t.
Even under the toughest
circumstance, humans split in two groups: those that figure out how to get
through it and those that whine––“expecting” answers from someone else. It’s
just the way it is. iCan makes it easy for you to get it done through a pre
screened list of experienced and highly motivated individuals that never
learned to spell “can’t,” “scared,” “tired,” or “whine.”
Get the best. Get it done.
Know your assets because others don't.
Life isn’t always fair.
We know that. If you hunch because you’re tall, clog around in high shoes
because you’re short, or try to hide or avoid ridicule by “blending” to fit in, iCool can help. Being cool equals attitude and confidence.
Wear plaid pants, rolled down white socks, remove your implants, or wear white
after Labor Day if that’s what you want. Make it cool because it’s you! Most
folks are just followers anyway.
Know who you are, what you like, and screw the
iBet: I bet if I did this, or that.
How many times have you heard
or said, “I bet if I had ____I could ____.” If you want something bad enough,
it’s time to drop the lame excuses. iBet will you pin you down, won’t let you
wiggle away until you’re walking toward door #1.
Time to cut the crap. Go for it!
iBet: When it counts, guessing isn’t
There’s a whole lot of
guessing going on in the world. Some by design, some because a whole lot more
people are just plain ignorant. If you really want to know, iBet will get you
the information you need. If you’re one of those taking huge liberty with untrue facts
and figures that you think folks won’t notice, iBet will set you
straight and maybe sue you.
Guessing costs. Knowing is better.
Being responsible all the time sucks.
Give-a-flying-heck only now and then.
In groups, there are
leaders and followers. Most real leaders don’t want the job, but step up
because the group is lame, going in circles, or in denial as they walk straight
for the cliff. Being responsible, you step in when you’d rather focus on your
own needs for a change. iHeck helps you do that. We’ll give you the tools and situations
to say, “f..ck that! You’re on your own,” “I don’t give a flying-heck,” or “Not
this time buddy.”
Let them do it. Gone fishing!
Time’s a-waisting. Either you will or you won’t.
Some folks are definite
and act without hesitation. Others have to ponder the universe before spitting
out what they know they want to do or say. iDo will help cowards say what they
want to say and do what they really want to do.
Feel better! Say it for Christ sakes!
iLip: Be edgy, peculiar, and irreverent when
How many times have you
said, “Dang, I wish I’d said that!” Under pressure or under attack it’s common
to freeze up. iLip gets you ready. The next time some idiot tries to feel
bigger at your expense, be ready to deliver razor sharp lip that can maim.
We’ll make it reflex.
Smile and get the last f--king word.
Justice for some and less for others.
Tired of witnessing
injustice? Tired of seeing those with money, size, nice guy cloaks, and access
avoid consequence? Tired of lying bullies that lurk in all areas of human
experience? iJustice can help. iJustice delivers super volunteers with ethics,
genius, and their own cash to swoop on your problem. iJustice will check it
out, strategize on foot, then set it right. Those well-positioned jerks will
never know what hit them.
Make them pay. Justice for all!
Excuses, halfsteps, I just can’t.
I know, life is
complicated and can be tough, for some more so than others. Whether you’re at
the top of the food chain or catching the scraps, excuses are always in full
tilt. It’s annoying. “If I could just ___,” fills the air ways and clogs up
everyone’s chi. If you’re going to take any step at all, take a full step or
why bother. If you want it, pretend the word “can’t” doesn’t exist. In other
words, excuses are lame and tired. iJust will snatch away the fear of flying
and boot you right out of a nest that no longer fits. You’re grown. So, act like
Sure you can. Don’t cry, fly!
When you can’t trust yourself to protect
People vary in their
ability to control urges. They gamble, drink, cheat, steal, insider trade or “appropriate”
museum relics that really belong to another country. The list is long and
crosses all sectors of society. You know who you are, and in some cases, so
does the FBI. Denial is a daily structure you afford yourself when in fact it’s
weight-bearing capacity will fail during the inevitable inspection. iKeep will
store and lock away items that legitimately and ethically belong to you so that
you can’t borrow money against them. iKeep will also help you identify items
that you cannot be sure were ever really yours. Know what’s yours and protect
them from your vices. Return what’s not yours without doing time.
Trust us to make you honest. Give it up, get, or
get out of the country!
Ask me because you don’t know. Go ahead.
Some people retain
information like a computer. They read a lot, observe, pay attention, care
about the world when the rest of the population further dulls its mental
faculty with electronics, reality TV, malls, and all the distractions meant to
keep them “in check.” For those that want to step away from all that, even for
a moment, and know something, anything, iKnow can help. iKnow let’s you
actually talk to another human that either already knows, or can find it out
for you, then engage you in a quality human conversation. Loose the inflatable adult doll, pause Siri and all that blood spattering gaming, and try thinking and speaking in real time with real humans. Living for real.
Snap out of it! Ask me, ask me. Let’s talk!
iKnew: “I knew that!”
How many times do you
hear "I knew that!" when you know the fool doesn’t have a clue? Don’t be one of those
obvious and lame folks. Know what the heck you are talking about and if you
don’t know, cop to it. iKnew will give you the tools to avoid faking knowledge.
Instead, you’ll have the confidence to say, “Oh yah?” “Didn’t know that,”
“Really?” or “That’s interesting.”
Don’t fake. Be confident about what you don’t
iKnew: Hunches, signs, patterns. Do you
want the truth or do you want to stay “happy”?
Many people know deep
down when they’re being played or lied to. They just don’t want to know. They
wait for some “clear” sign instead of watching their checking accounts,
confidence, or circle of real friends get smaller. iKnew will sit you down,
back-hand you, then layout the facts while holding your head still so you can’t
turn away. You’ll admit that you “knew” it all along, just didn’t want to see
it. We’ll get you through it. We’ll get you to the other side.
Now you know. So, move on!
iLapse: Brain choking, memory slipping.
Tools to remember this or that ‘cause no one else will
Whether your equipment is
old, you’re in denial, or just hung over, remembering can sometimes be a
problem. Taking vitamins, getting enough sleep, being vegan, and living well can
help, but brain slippage may still persist. iLapse will size up your particular
situation and help you do the best with what you have. Shore yourself up.
What more do you have to loose? Enjoy and remember
as long as you can!
Take only what you need. Leave the rest.
In a country whose assets
are out of proportion with the rest of the globe, we’re addicted to wanting
more. Bigger cars, boobs, genitals, heels, bank accounts, the list is long and obscene.
“Supersize me” is the tag line for an insecure culture that is never full yet
often swollen and sluggish. iLarge can help. Leave it to us to set you right
and leave you satisfied with what you have or much less. Professionals will
assess your unique situation and possibly have you pack your bags and sent to an
undisclosed adjustment vacation site. We guarantee you’ll see things
differently when you return.
Enough of that for you. More for everyone else!
Need money quick? We’ve got it.
Got people making rude
calls, threatening mail piling up, and parking your car where it can’t been
seen and hauled off? Burned all your bridges and no one left to ask? Well, yes
you’re in a mess, but we can throw you a line. iLoan can hand over a bundle
quick, but it’ll cost you. Miss payments and it will really cost you.
Sell your soul and live. Have it when it’s due, or
iManners: Gauche is a deal breaker.
At dinner, the person
sitting across from you looks good until mouth activity begins. Talking loud
and eating at the same time, salad and fish parts shoot across onto your plate,
some particles landing in your water glass. Oblivious, the person makes it
worse by raising an arm, loudly snapping fingers for the waiter. Gross. If you
or someone you still care about fits this profile, iManners can step in. We’ll
corral that gauche behavior, lay it out, and transform that goat.
From the barn to better…so you can take them anywhere.
Mean what you say, say what you mean.
People that waffle are
annoying. Boxed in they’ll say, “Well, what I mean is,” or “I didn’t mean
that,” or “I was meaning to.” Christ, take a stand! Figure out what matters to
you, take a position, and follow through. iMean can shore up the flimsiest of
spines, even yours. We’ll make you stand up straight and look a person in the
eye. We’ll scare the sh-t out of you if you don’t.
Speak up. Put yourself out. Feel better.
We’ll help you move without certain
We’ve all know folks that
are a bummer, are maybe even scary and just won’t go away. Yet, when you move
and don’t leave a forwarding address, they make a point to find you. iMoved
will step in and take care of it. We’ll pack your stuff, find you a great
place, and confuse the hell out of that someone that won’t go away. If that
person persists, doesn’t get the message, we’ll break some legs. Then we’ll
break some arms and go from there.
I moved. See you later. Come over? Oh, I don’t
iWreck: I’m a wreck. You’re a wreck.
Have you put some miles
on your patience, given too much of yourself and received way less in return?
Are there spoiled 30-year-olds that still think they're 20-year-olds in your life
that suck your energy and feel entitled to have it? Are you just getting hip to
the concept of personal boundaries? Well, Christ, you’re probably a wreck. It’s
time you pull an emergency brake and hop off that train. Those of us with
iWreck have been there. We know the signs and what it’ll take. We’ll slap you
silly until you change your ways. Then, we’ll remind you what it’s like to give
up that flip chart and have fun.
Be reckless. Unwide. Slap the first sucker that tries
to pull you backwards!
I went so you didn’t have to.
If you're spoiled, feel
entitled, and only want to do what you feel like doing, iWent is here. If you
have the cash, iWent will take care of it. We’ll go in person to break up with
your latest girlfriend, attend your kid’s piano recital, wash your wife’s car,
or fulfill your jury service. You can check it off as “I went” without ever
leaving the premises.
Don’t go. We’ll go. Stay spoiled.
iWas: Been a junkie, crooked banker? We’ll
create a new you.
You’ve popped pills and
shot up, burned bridges, been ruthless and unkind, and broken a long list of
laws? Well, it’s not too late. iWas can step in, hack you a new identity, and
clear your slate. What you “was” can disappear. By becoming an iWas premium member, we will clear your slate up to three times. After that you’ll
probably screw up royal, loose all your dough, and will no longer be able to afford
Was that once. Now I’m not.
Things you wanna’
do, but are too scarty-cat to do it.
As you look in the mirror
can you see your lips still sucking on that pacifier? Do you regularly use
words that are just too phonetically close to “mama” (I wanna’, ain’t gonna’)?
Are you still living with your parents at 40, but not taking out the trash? Are
your to-do Post-its your only colorful friends? iWanna will drag you outside,
tell your parents to rent your room, and show you how life is lived. We’ll push
you down and get that knee scrape out of the way, get you lost and not feed you
till you find your way back, and generally fast-forward your adult maturity to
match your age. You won’t want to
go back. You can’t anyway because your room is rented.
Do it, hurt yourself, fail, and eventually
I had a good time crafting this edgy bit of writing. Did me a lot of good. My mood is up, I'm swimming early in the morning, and not that interested in eating any stuff with questionable ingredients.
Yes, I did finally see
the doctor and wasn’t at all grouchy about the long wait because I
was so heavily engaged with these nouns and verbs.
copyright these business titles, taglines, and quirky descriptions.
Yes, Maybe I’ll further develop
this work and write something that expands on the overall idea.
Yes, Even looking out
over the (sometimes frustrating) terrain of our group process called
“society,” it did help to write this stuff as a kind of pressure release and truth telling vehicle.
Yes, You should also try having some fun with words. At the very least you may go from a frown to a grin and maybe even laughing out loud.
I’ll leave you with this
As always, best to you,
web site: http://lorrainegn.com/
©2010 Lorraine García-Nakata protected under U.S. and
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